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MY HALF-LIFE 2 REVIEW
Oh, yes. Not since the invention of the toaster has a human invention so changed the face of this world. Half-life 2 is, without question, the best computer game of all time, space, and dimension. It features realistic in-game physics, jaw-dropping facial animation, brilliant level design, and the most manic, immersive gameplay personkind has ever seen.
But There's More...
Half-life 2 takes the interactive gaming experience to a whole new level. It goes way beyond its predecessors (including the original Half-life, which was a fabulous game in its own right). What will Half-life 2 do for you?
Half-life 2 will amaze you.
Half-life 2 will scare you.
Half-life 2 will make you cry.
Half-life 2 will walk your dog.
Half-life 2 will file your taxes.
Half-life 2 will cook your eggs just the way you like them.
Half-life 2 will rock your hernia so hard you'll need a friend to punch it back in.
Half-life 2 will buy you a steak dinner, but allow you to pay for half the meal if you really want to.
Half-life 2 will shovel the snow on the driveway. If your driveway doesn't have snow, Half-life 2 will shovel the snow on your cat.
Half-life 2 will ask you nicely for a beer. If Half-life 2 drinks your last beer, Half-life 2 will remember to cut up those plastic rings on the six-pack, because Half-life 2 cares about the fish and doesn't want them to drown.
I'm For Serious This Once
The first time I played this game, I got so excited I had to call my friend just so he could punch my hernia back in. Except I couldn't find the phone and I had to say, "Mom? May I use the t3|e9hon?" And she just looked at me with this funny expression on her face.
Then I tripped on my hernia and landed on my face, and my mom let out a small scream and gasped, "Jamie, are you OK?" Nobody can call me Jamie except my mom, but she's my mom, so it's cool, you know? Anyway, I look up at her and say, "|-|4|ph|1ph3 +0o0o0 15 teh 835+ ph|234|{1/\/g 94'/m3 3v4|2!!!!!!!!!!111".
But she still didn't quite follow, so she called an ambulance. They're rushing me to the hospital, and the paramedic looks at me and asks me what my name is, but by this point the hernia is so bad I just roll my eyes and say, "9()|2])0|/| |=|?33|\/|4/\/". He's all confused, just like my mom was, and I'm thinking... doesn't anyone speak english anymore?
But I guess nobody does. English is a dead language. It's sad, really. Just another relic of a forgotten age. An old toiletry discarded at the urinal of time.
As If You Needed More Convincing
Alright you naysayers, still don't believe me? Check out this insane visuals from the other side of the moon! They're thumbnails genius, so you'll have to click them to see the full image.
The Sales Pitch
If this review has proven anything, it's proven to the satisfaction of this court, Your Honor, that Half-life 2 is a product worthy of your purchase. Buy it directly from Valve Software, the company that built the game. You can download it through Steam, which is some online thingie. Click here for more info.
For most of you, I recommend the Silver package. It comes with everything Valve has ever released. Most of that stuff won't shovel snow off your driveway, but don't worry, neither will it grab snow from your neighbor's driveway and pile it on yours instead. That would be rude.
For the turbo-crazy, give the Gold package a try. That way you can impress the opposite sex (into punching your hernia back in) with your brand-new Half-life 2 hat, no strings attached.
Murray James Morrison
Winter 2005
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