|
MY POSITION ON SUVs
So how do I feel about SUVs? You do the math.
Experience...
...is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lesson afterword. Despite my best efforts to make a serious presentation of the 13 Reasons I Love SUVs, I succeeded only in confusing the majority of readers. I literally received buttloads of feedback (viz. next to nothing) from my burgeoning fanbase, all asking the same thing: "Murray James, I know you're dying and everything, but do you like SUVs or not?"
Maybe all that stuff about John Stossel threw people off, but it shouldn't have. John Stossel is a huge-normous Libertarian cheeseball; everybody knows that. Maybe I should have pointed out you can't really drive an SUV without either: 1) a virtually unlimited supply of money (to cover gas costs); or 2) an utter lack of regard for human life, because it's only a matter of time before The Law of Averages takes over and your 2005 Honda Pilot flips over at the local convent onto a bunch of nuns. I friggin' hate SUVs.
So if experience has taught me anything, it's that obfuscatory sarcasm will get me nowhere. I need to be clearer in my writing. To that end, I've obtained the image below, an actual excerpt from the high school SAT of former presidential hopeful John Kerry. Our current President, George W. Bush, got the question wrong, but we can't hold that against him. He went to Harvard.
"I'm going to win the Purple Heart for this."
Battle Axe Warriors
That test question got me thinking. Battle axe warriors are definitely my heroes. They're always walking around, fighting villains to save damsels, and then eating the damsels for dinner, and then mailing the half-eaten damsel bones back to the royal family.
They look so awesome, who's going to stop them? Maybe a wizard... maybe, but those guys are lame. They walk around casting fireball and lightning bolt spells when they need to hit the gym twice a week instead. After they save a damsel, instead of eating her for dinner, like Dobb would, they log onto the "Magic: The Gathering" forums and tell all their buddies how they "scored" last night.
It gets worse. When wizards spot one another, they hyperventilate and spend eight hours casting all sorts of circles and auras of protection to make them impervious to the other's spells. Then, when one of them finally summons up enough courage to attack, the magic dissipates before it even gets close. They call this "dueling".
I Call It "Stupid 2k5"
And you do too. After watching the wizards go at it for the better part of a hour, you're pretty bored, so you decide to leave this snoozefest and go to McDonald's for a snack. You buy a Big Mac, hold the pickles.
But wait a second, there are pickles on your sandwich! You specifically asked for no pickles! How many times do you need to tell these people?!? It's not like you're asking them to create ex nihilo or something of equal divine difficulty. Just leave the pickles off the sandwich! These are the kinds of people that fall down stairs as children, except instead of catching themselves on the banister, they land face first in a pile of obtuse.
Anyway, so you get back, and the mages are still going at it: standing 50 feet apart, dispelling each other's magic, and looking as stupid as ever. Even though they're squarer than a rhombus with right angles, they're sweating profusely as if they're actually doing something cool, like that time you visited the state capitol, lifted a Senator's car over your head, and asked the chauffeur if he would vote for you in the upcoming election.
The Obvious Solution
These wizards need a blinding flash of reality. The solution is obvious. Just pick up an axe, walk over to your opponent, and cleave his head in two. Most conflicts are resolved so easily this way. Like these ones, for instance:
Parking ticket = well... nobody wins without a ticket... bad example, sorry... let me try again.
Failing test grade = AXE. Sinus infection = AXE. Caught in rush hour traffic = AXE. Defaulting on child support payments = AXE. John Stossel = you get the picture.
I own a double-edged battle axe and I use it for just about everything. My axe-usage is surpassed only by my physical strength, which is surpassed only by my unquenchable thirst for violence, which is surpassed only by the number of recent double-edged battle axe homicides in the Dallas-Fort Worth region, which is surpassed only by my honesty.
Just be thankful it was you and not I who got their Big Mac slathered in pickles. I have absolutely no patience for mistakes like that. If experience has taught me anything, it's that McDonald's employees have it far too easy in this life and need the kind of positive reinforcement only an axe can provide.
Murray James Morrison
Former Crew Trainer
McDonald's, 1999-2001
|
|
|
