but there is no life without death
QUARTER CENTENNIAL
Today I turn twenty-five. One fourth of one century old. Happy birthday to me. This is sexier than all hell. This is cause for celebration. Everyone must party. And here goes: "Murray James, what have you done with your life? You're twenty-four and one more... What do you have to show for yourself? Are you proud of what you've done? Show us. Show us. Show us precisely how you've squandered each and every breath that was given to you, you next-to-useless piece of garbage, you. You're a hack. You're all washed up. You're pathetic. Show us just how pathetic you are."
How pathetic am I? Wouldn't you like to know. Ok, I'll tell you.
AGES 0-5: No Recollection
In 2007, I'm too old to remember being too young. Also, babies are awesome because with a little care/attention/discipline they don't stay babies for long. Sayonara. My childhood was amazing; I don't remember it. I may have filed all of my taxes, nowhere. And I may have cried like a baby, constantly. I was loud. That's for sure. Yes. I was one loud kid. I'm surprised my parents put up with me. Not really. Welcome to infancy.
AGES 6-8: Spelling Bee Champion or Tennis Pro
I can spell it. Say the word; I'll spell it for you this second. Test me and you'll see. My forearm was really something. I smacked some kid upside the head with my tennis racket. I don't take losing well. I'm an asshole. He had it coming.
Perineum? Use it in a sentence, please. Thanks. You pansies are going down. Suckers. Check this shit out!!!
P-E-R-I-N-E-U-M. Perineum. I need to work on my second serve. 'Cuz when you snap it too hard it goes out. Hits the net. It goes out. And those boxes, you know, those lines that judges use to determine whether your shot is "in" or "out," that frame the, uh, margins, the bounds, delineate the, uh, court. Yeah, they're way too small. That was in. "In!" I said; I said it. Our chair umpire is blind. As in vision impaired and overweight. He needs corrective eye surgery or his stomach stapled. Domino's Pizza is calling. With a sponsorship deal. Mommy, Mommy, you're my agent, be my agent. I'll give you 50%. I love you. Answer the phone. Hello, we're calling from Domino's Pizza, they say. Murray James, they continue, his tennis is so damned superb we're offering him a lotta money to sell our food on TV. Is he for sale?
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AGES 9-14: Good for Nothing
No flash photography. The pages in this chapter of the book of my life are closed to the general public. If I'm a private person.
AGES 15-21: Yale
I understand why Dr. Patrick Ridley lost his job. He was careless. He said things, certain things, that university professors just shouldn't say, ever, under any circumstances, in college. You get in big trouble when you start saying things like that. With tenure. You get in big trouble and you lose your job when you get caught. It's his fault, really.
Then they asked me all sorts of questions, most of which I answered honestly, except that one I lied about (the time his wife was in the room—because I couldn't say it in front of her, the truth, I mean, that's what I couldn't say, the truth; and she was fragile, Mrs. Ridley, or at least she could have been, had I sodomized the hole in her bleeding heart with the unfaithful words of an unfaithful man; and she was a delicate woman). I forgave him, I think, soon after it happened. This was easy for me to do; I was never all that hurt. You see. I'm a strong girl. I like the attention. I'm a tease, they say. And why not? It hurt to see the Ridleys suffering like that. It hurt them; it hurt me; Mrs. Ridley was a defeated woman; her husband killed her. And this is the sort of stuff that can kill a naive woman of [=24+1] years. The divorce was one of the ugliest displays of humanity I've seen in my life. God, it was terrible.
He walked up to me, my Civics professor, Dr. Ridley, after class, while I was gathering my books and papers. He wanted to see me. I don't blame him. My outfit was scandalous, and he walked up to me and leaned into my face, and told me he loved me in a way that could get him fired. Did I giggle? Yeah. And some other time I winked at him. It was fantastic. He had lots to say. Lots to say. He could have said more, if he weren't such a forgetful man, unfortunately. His forgetfulness did him in, that and his carelessness, too. My careless, clumsy Dr. Ridley, with a missus at home, after class one day, he forgets to turn off his lapel mike, and he walks over to me and he's very close. Some students are filing out of the room; others are milling about, not paying attention. But activity everywhere. He finds my face, Dr. Patrick Ridley, his hands, my body, and with his microphone still on, says to me and my classmates in third semester Civics: "Oh, Julia, your tits are so big I could build a house on them and live there." He shouldn't have said that. I may have giggled. He killed his wife.
AGE 22: 3-Up Moon
AGES 23-24: Patron of the Arts
I petitioned my Congressman to allow Boxing in the Special Olympics. This is something I want to see. Give the people what they want.
AGE 25: The Future
So how about that? There it is. Does this impress you? It impresses me. I'll sleep soundly, tonight and other nights, for now, with this self-indulgent birthday opus careening down and around those darkest recesses of my brain, lurching about in inebriate, decadent stupor for something, anything, to kill. Happy birthday, Murray James! Happy Quarter Centennial, Murray James! This web page is your birthday present to you, ahem. It's your birthday song, Happy Birthday, sung by you, from you, and for you, in off key falsetto. Hooray, hooray! A thousands hoorays, thanks, and congratulations! Strike up the band—oh, where is my chorus? Where is my cake? Where are my candles, my pomp and bombast?
A word to the foolish and wise: Though self-aggrandizement is sin, it is never boring. From dust we are, and to dust we shall return (He says). For better or for worse; for Him or for naught; we amuse ourselves in interim. Twenty-five down and fifteen to go. I die at forty.
Murray James Morrison
01/03/1982—a month/a day/2022
may God bless his soul
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