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北极熊

POLAR BEARS

As a responsible journalist I should say up front that our research for this special report was limited to roughly half of one article at wikipedia.org.pants. We learn there. Actually it was more like a third of an article at wikipedia.org.pants—a whole half article seems far too generous an estimate of the sort of work we do around here. We feel good though. Because really this thing you're reading is an exercise in free association. Anyway, which is not to say you won't learn something so listen up if you even give a damn.

Polar Bears: Mother Nature's Predatory Snowball. White and fluffy. Big, violent. Furry and they'll eat you. Tall and handsome and built like the beasts from the kind of nightmares people lose their minds over. Dangerous beyond measure. All muscle and paws and teeth and death. Angry because of nothing you did. It's not your fault. You shoot it with your .22 but your shooting it only manages to piss it off more and soon your head is in pieces in the snow. Did I mention they're crazy violent. Bloodthirsty, rapacious. They live in cold places. They have fur. They survive off small fish and the tattered dreams of unwanted children everywhere. Be afraid of them.

the wrong thing to do challenge them for to their cubs are threatened we'd say big mistake buy a calendar your days are numbered although i won't guarantee you'd live through any encounter for if like we've said unquenchable gladiatorial thirst rains down upon you they exist just to destroy like a missile you know but breathing


This is history now. Some katrillion years ago the polar bear evolved from separate species of unchecked aggression, vitriol, and compressed snow, a smidgen off the coast of China. And China was a huge sheet of ice at that time, measuring miles upon hectares across, with a small red flag near the top with a big yellow star adjacent to an arc of four smaller yellow stars and there were a couple of 中国人, hanging out, smoking a blunt. And these Chinese people were understandably very terrified at the polar bear that three seconds ago had instantly evolved all up into their business and they screamed and attempted to flee, but it was to no avail and the p.b. gave pursuit and caught up to and ate those poor Chinese folks and their drugs, and history is fuzzy after that but we know that the polar bear relocated way up north and adapted and bred and such and that polar bears aren't in 中国 anymore except in zoos.

But so the polar bears I've met were all 85-point Calvinists. And turbolapsarians. And, like good Christians from other species they read their Bibles daily and opened up soup kitchens and fed the poor and improvised homilies to one another and cared for the widows and orphans and lived out the living Word daily and fasted for another Pentecost and tongues of fire from heaven and played frisbee golf like you couldn't imagine. Wow. And after with much prayer and trepidation they had trained missionaries to minister the Scriptures in Sudan and save souls for the great cause of Christ, the Holy Spirit of God came down and rested so peacefully upon that congregation that if He were tangible or palatable I swear those blessed polar bears could've tasted Him in glory; man, it was something to see.

although their young are tiny polar bears are furious for when you saw them you lost your nerve go frightened for they're upto ten-foots in length and wait for naught but the slightest of excuses to attack and maim us to blood zones time if only for to see us suffer go blind for to make an act of atrocity for games and the like go home


Climate change is a structural fact. Or something, and we've heard that the polar ice caps are melting, but what would China even do now, what with all those additional people, like close to 1.3 billion-plus additional people. If those interminably-ravenous p.b.'s showed up and be reminded that China is one of the oldest human civilizations ever and has blossomed into the developing nation to "look out for" in the words of some, our planet's next supposed 超级大国 rising from the east they say, like the sun. And what d'y'all think will happen when that damn polar bear—the Behemoth of the Arctic—shows up unannounced, materializing all up into China's national business and running amok with feasting and carnage and mauling and so forth. Shanghai? More like Shang-bye!

So drive hybrid cars, for God sakes.



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