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Well, Happy New Year everybody. It's 2006. Hooray.
In lieu of New Year's Resolutions, which nobody ever keeps anyway, I've written some New Year's Decrees, which everyone will keep, if they value their lives. So this year, instead of telling yourself "quit smoking," or "spend more time with the kids," remember the following slogan:
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
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- I want John Stossel's head on a pike.
- Bob Mintzer is forbidden from touching manuscript paper for the rest of his natural existence. The world has had enough of your cheesy big band music, Bob. Thanks for coming out.
- Asia: It appears no one has told you just how bad carbs are for your body. STOP EATING RICE. You're killing yourself.
- No shopping.
- I fully endorse the use of the pronoun "he" in all gender-neutral situations regardless of context. This is because of my deep-seated belief that women shouldn't have the right to speak, ever, under any circumstances.
- If any person, regardless of gender, goes shopping, it is now politically incorrect not to hit him with a softball in the nuts.
- Asia: I thought I told you to stop eating rice. Carbs are the enemy, remember? Do you want to die?
- Maybe I wasn't clear earlier. Women are no longer permitted to speak, except when asked a direct question by a man, and even then, there are consequences.
- No more using the term "sheets of sound" to refer indiscriminately to all the music of John Coltrane. His playing went through different periods and evolved continuously, you morons.
- It's OK if you don't have a girlfriend. You might be ugly. No need to worry—it's not your fault. Just don't be like that ugly dude who pretended to be a single father to pick up women by sticking a Nerf football in a baby stroller and wheeling it around town. Once, while this young attractive blonde was ogling over his Nerf child, a linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys came out of nowhere and kicked the stroller past the 10 yard line. That poor girl is still in therapy.
- The reason handicapped people get the best parking spots is because they're superior human beings. STOP MAKING FUN OF THEM.
- You know how most SUV drivers are teenagers who are too irresponsible to buy a car, or parents who are too vain to buy a minivan, or blue-collar workers who are too stupid to buy a truck? Maybe you've noticed that an important demographic is missing. What about people who are irresponsible, vain, stupid, AND poor? Do they get screwed out of the SUV experience just because they don't have tens of thousands of dollars to throw at a piece of crap? Not anymore! Introducing... my brand-new "SUV Substitute Package For Low-Income Families"! This package comes with everything the pauper needs to go from rags to the appearance of riches, or more precisely, rags to arrogant rags. It comes with a large piece of sheet metal, which must always be kept heavy side up to keep the centre of gravity as high as possible. It comes with a jerrican you can fill with gasoline and pour out on the side of the road, to simulate the mileage you would have in a real SUV. It comes with this nifty button. And of course, what SUV substitute would be complete without a calling card you can use to phone your friends and tell them that your vehicle flipped over on the rumble strips outside your daughter's high school, killing young Jennifer and her prom date instantly?
- According to the Associated Press several years ago, Joshua Redman is the crown prince of the tenor saxophone. Somebody get this guy his crown already.
- Asia: Damn it, Asia! That rice is going to kill you! Don't you ever listen? What? America has disgusting eating habits and refuses to exercise? Whatever. It's your funeral.
- You there. Woman in the blue miniskirt. I said no talking.
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