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13 REASONS I LOVE SUVs
REASON #13:
SUVs pwn John Stossel.
Stossel is a Libertarian and weighs in at 190 pounds after a hearty meal at his fast food restaurant of choice. Give me a break. My close personal friend the 2005 Honda Pilot is a registered Independent. He packs a whopping 4.5 tons, and is faster too, reaching land speeds of over 100 miles an hour! Stossel: a pathetic 15 mph.
REASON #12:
SUV turning signals do not work when changing lanes.
If they do, I've never seen it. Not like it matters. When you're that big, you don't follow traffic laws. You make your own.
REASON #11:
SUVs are edible.
Have you heard the expression, "SUV: The other, other white meat"? Yeah, I haven't either, but who cares? With a little salt, SUVs make one tasty meal. Cut it into pieces and pack lunches for your kids! Get some corn meal and bacon grease to make fried green SUV for the inlaws!
Little known fact: after complaining nightly about drug legislation on 20/20, John Stossel heads over to McDonald's for the all-new 2005 Honda Pilot w/Cheese Deluxe. The reinforced-steel meat patty is crunchy, but at least the burger is Atkins-friendly (except the bun, of course).
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REASON #10:
SUVs derive secret pleasure from destroying the environment.
When you think your Cadillac Escalade is tucked away safely in your garage, it's actually out joyriding in the mid-Atlantic, knocking over oil tankers in some aquatic wildlife preserve.
REASON #9:
SUVs can be smoked.
REASON #8:
SUVs are more fuel efficient than most other vehicles once you puncture their gas tanks with a screwdriver.
Sure, it's embarassing you can't take your Chevrolet Tahoe to the grocery store without having to refuel it. On the other hand, one well-placed stab with a screwdriver is all you need to reduce everyone else's vehicles to the same wasteful state as yours. You remember the movie Speed? Who's laughing now, bus?
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REASON #7:
SUVs are about as dextrous as a funambulist on paint thinner.
Pictured on your left is the act that never made it to Cirque du Soleil. There's Joe the Clown walking the tightrope, with Interlux 216 (an industrial solvent) lending a hand. And who could forget the 2005 Honda Pilot? I'm telling you, SUVs just make the world a better place.
If you don't care about making the world a better place, maybe John Stossel is your man. He can tell you about the dangers of big government while peddling his "magical" free market economy.
And the magic is real. Free markets are always pulling rabbits out their free market hats, asking you to choose any card at random from a pre-shuffled free market deck, only to reproduce your card after you've signed it, ripped it into quarters, and swallowed one of the pieces.
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REASON #6:
SUVs hate you.
From the moment they see you. It doesn't matter what you're wearing, how tall you are, or whether you say "pop" or "soda". Take the 2005 Honda Pilot, for example. When you go to shake his hand, he'll let you get real close, and then pull his hand away at the last possible second and laugh at you — if he doesn't spit in your face instead.
REASONS #5-2:
My brother Max.
I freakin' love the crap out of this guy! Like this one time, we were playing D&D, and I was the Dungeon Master, and I totally killed off all his PCs and turned them into zombies. He was so angry. I think he kicked me in the teeth.
REASON #1:
SUVs never tip over, except all the times they do, which is pretty much always.
When you were a kid, your mom told you to keep your elbows off the dinner table while you eat. She didn't tell you because she liked the sound of her own voice; she told you because she didn't want the Dodge Durango on its back.
SUVs flip over like the act of flipping over is going out of style. Turn a corner too sharply, and it's gonna flip. Brake too quickly at an intersection, and it'll flip. Having the misfortune of driving by a traffic cop and getting shot by his radar gun = flip.
I tell my friends that if you look at an SUV funny, it will tip itself over, and I'm over 100% right. See it for yourself if you don't believe me: play a game of chicken with your girlfriend's parents' 2005 Honda Pilot, except instead of driving toward it in another car, just stare it with a goofy grin on your face. That badboy will have its wheels in the air before you realize that SUVs are the most obnoxious, ridiculously oversized, flagrantly pollutive, bulky tin cans on the road today.
John Stossel sucks so bad. I'm glad you brought it up.
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